certitude

I’ve always kind of been a know-it-all. SHOCKING, I know. This Hermione-ness extends into basically everything I do, and I can promise you that it’s awesome. * sarcasm *

I’ve learned how to rein in some of my know-it-all, but I’ve historically had a difficult time acknowledging that someone else could know more than me or have experiences that give them different results from what I would find. I’m in a constant process of learning and un-learning, and frankly, it’s often exhausting.

This certitude used to be a key part of my faith—and that begs the question, Is operating in certitude ever in concert with acting in faith? Faith is risky, and I will be the first to tell you that I am not a risk taker. Give me all the options, let me choose the best possible one, and make sure that I know the exact moment the plans change, because trust me, I’ll have an entire contingency plan laid out. I’ve got this, OKAY??

Well, actually it’s not okay. I don’t know as much as I think I do, and I sure as hell don’t know as much as I’d like.* Faith by definition is not certainty. It requires trust, which compels me to ask, Is the God I believe in one I trust? For me, that answer is yes. And sometimes that trust is hard. Letting go of control may feel like losing everything.

Want to know what else faith feels like? Freedom. Freedom to be, to live, to love. Freedom to change and grow, knowing that evolution is the whole damn point, that changing is beautiful, that the risk is worth the reward. I’m only 34, so surely my faith will continue to shapeshift—but right here, right now, my faith is liberating and beautiful, even when it feels scary. I feel closer to my Heavenly Parents than I ever have before, feel that the uncertainty is what pulls me closest to Them.

Everyone’s faith or spirituality will look different. Right now, this is a small glimpse of mine.

*Crudely paraphrased from Terryl and Fiona Givens’ book, The Crucible of Doubt, the current epi pen to my church experience.