Dangers of Writing a Memoir
All writing is scary to some degree and in varying ways. Memoir writing is intimidating because of how reflective it is of real people in real life. And not only is memoir directly about real people and real events, that reality is subjective to the writer. Memoir is not journalistic nonfiction. Memoir doesn’t say, This is how the world is. Rather memoir asserts, This is how the world is—for me. That subjectivity is powerful in creating connecting and encouraging empathy. It also makes for an intimidating writing experience.
For anyone wanting to dive into memoir writing, I have two inevitable dangers you’ll have to navigate and two preventable ones you can avoid.
Inevitable dangers
More likely than not, your memoir will hurt someone’s feelings. In writing about your life, you will also end up writing about other people and about your relationship and interactions with them. I have so many writers who are hesitant to write anything that would hurt another’s feelings. I prompt these writers to ask themselves these questions:
Who could potentially be hurt from reading my memoir?
How important is that relationship to me?
How strong is that relationship? Can it weather hurt feelings?
What would be needed to repair that relationship?
What am I willing to sacrifice to share my story?
These questions have no right or wrong answer. You decide what you’re willing to share and how far to stretch your relationships with those who may not receive your memoir well.
The second inevitable danger is that in writing your life, you will confront your life in a new, more vulnerable way. I see this danger as a good outcome, though a painful one. Be kind to yourself as you examine your experiences through writing. Beauty and freedom are on the other end—I promise. As you write, you’ll bring feelings to the surface that may not have had space to breathe before. Make space for it, and bring that feeling to the page. Your memoir will shine because of it.
Preventable dangers
These dangers have more potential to tank your memoir and have everything to do with your motive.
Do not write a memoir to wallow in self-pity. I know that you’ve been through hard things, and I honor everything that you’ve endured to get to where you are. Please do not write your memoir to convince people of how hard your life has been. If you want to dump those feelings into a private journal, awesome! But a memoir is written for a reader and needs to forge connection. Memoir does not play well with wallowing.
Do not write a memoir to exact revenge on those who have wronged you. Your life certainly has its set of antagonists, those people who have hurt you, intentionally or otherwise, those who haven’t had your best interests at heart. They have a place in your memoir—just not as the lead. You’re the protagonist of your memoir, and as such, your story and growth deserve the spotlight. Your reader will draw their own conclusions about the people in your life (and they’ll likely come to the same judgment that you do), but don’t waste your time, energy, or precious words on people who don’t deserve. Focus on the relationship you want with your reader, and your memoir will convey everything you need it to.
These preventable dangers are best avoided by doing the work of healing and recovery before setting pen to page (or fingers to keyboard, as it were). Take the time to seek therapy if applicable, and give yourself time between living the thing and writing about it. Your memoir will always be ready for you, so make sure that you’re taking care of yourself first.
